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What If... ?


 Hi. It's me. I'm sorry for what happened. When I decided to kill myself, I had no idea how it would impact you. I had no idea it would hurt you so badly. I never realized that my decision would hurt so many people so much. I never meant to cause so much pain. I was just so blinded by my own pain that I couldn't see anything else. I couldn't see how much I was loved. I can see it now though. Don't think that you missed all the warning signs or that you could have done something different because I tried so hard to keep anyone from finding out. I guess maybe I did keep it secret that time. I didn't want you to know what I was planning. I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry. I know you want the pain to stop, and I know what you might be thinking. I can't be sure, but you might be thinking that you want to kill yourself too, like I did. Just think about that for a minute. Do you really want to put everyone through that same kind of pain all over again? I know you don't. You just want the pain to stop. Well, I've done a bit of research here for you as much as I could by talking to people here who went through the same kind of thing I put you through. They all basically said that the first thing you need to do is find a support group. Someone said that there are support groups at the hospital or hospice for "survivors of suicide" they called it. Someone else said something about United Way having a support group like that too. There are support groups online and grief counselors that you could see. Please do something to help yourself. I don't know if you already have or not, but I don't want you to hurt anymore. One lady said that she kept seeing the image of her loved one torn up and mangled, and said that it helped her to surround herself with lots of pictures of happier times to replace that image. I want you to be happy again, so please, if you don't do anything else, please go to some kind of support group to help yourself feel better for me. I love you very much, and I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't realize that what I was doing would impact so many lives so much. I'm sorry. I want to ask you to do something for me. I want you to do something to help others when you feel you're ready. You could help others who have had friends or loved ones kill themselves, or you could help people who are suicidal now. Whatever you do, please help the hurting stop. I wish I could turn back time and make things different, but I can't. I want you to remember that you didn't do anything wrong. I chose this on my own, so don't blame yourself. Please don't live in the moment of my death because it will only hurt you more, and I don't want to be the cause of any more pain. I love you so much and am so sorry for all the pain I've caused. I guess I should be going now, but tell everyone what I said. I'm depending on you to spread the word.

Love you,